My first instinctive reading was that he had feelings of love for me but was keeping it a secret still.  And when I researched on the net to verify, some interpreted this card combo as the lover in question has feelings of insecurity about the loved one.

Seemingly, this seemed to tie in with other readings I’ve had with others.  They say that he does have feelings but is not sure what mine were or if I loved him back.

BUT when I still went on to research, the other school of thought said that he was having a secret affair. Now, that just threw me out for a loop.  It’s entirely possible that the reason he’s not initiating contact with me was because he’s carrying on with someone else.  Even if everybody psychic that I’ve ever asked told me that he wasn’t.  Then again, this might be like the Angel debacle wherein she couldn’t see Tom’s wife not because she didn’t exist but only because he didn’t truly, deeply love her.

So there’s your shadow of a doubt for you.

I ended up crying the whole night because I really couldn’t do anything about it.  Asking him outright through a crappy medium really didn’t feel right and might disturb the natural unfolding of events.  I had already asked other and, still I didn’t believe them.

I took deep breaths trying to cry and breathe through my congested nasal passages but each time I sucked air in, I would feel the huge mound in my belly, the alien mass inside me, and then I’d remember that the only thing separating myself from health and wellness is 60 grand which my parents weren’t too concerned about.  Then I’d start crying again.

I think it’s only God, Jesus, the Holy Spirit, Mama Mary, St. Therese and Padre Pio who love me.  But earthbound folks?  Aside from my dog (who is of another species), I’m not at the top of anybody else’s list.  Is this why single parents have kids?  So that they’ll be guaranteed that at least for the next 18 years, they’ll go through life with someone?

If I had a kid when I was 20, I’d have a 16 year old I could drag practically to anywhere right now — to the movies, to dinner, the mall, shopping.  I might not be romantically involved with anyone (still same state I am in now) but I’d have company and a reason to live, mainly because i’d be responsible for this person I created into being.

Oh boy.  Scrap that.  I really think it’s me.   As Sherlock Holmes said, “When you have eliminated all which is impossible, then whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.”

So it’s not because i’m on the heavy side; it’s not because I’m not strikingly beautiful; it’s not because I’m not an heiress with a fortune; it’s not because I’m uncouth and uneducated; it’s not because my lifestyle doesn’t allow me to meet that many people (I’ve thought of this and if prison inmates can get married… then that just debunks that argument); it’s not because I’m a cold fish in bed yadayadayada.   The only thing that makes sense now is the for some reason, however improbable, I must have struck a deal with God to not feel loved in this lifetime.   Why I would not want that, I don’t know.  Perhaps i was so full of it in my other lifetimes that I was just curious what it would be like to not be.  And in my supreme folly, I must have struck this deal.

So there.

And, well, I’m harboring no high hopes for this one.  I’m not even going to attempt to look for single-girlfriends to pass the time with because — oh, yeah, I don’t have any single-girlfriends anymore!  Every single one of them are married or happily ensconced “in a relationship” with a sure shot guarantee that their significant others will make an effort to make V-day special for them.

So, yes, after 15 plus years of trying to compensate for lack of a valentine (I’m just counting after puberty really.  I don’t think lusting after the boy in the Blue Lagoon counts or lusting after Greg Louganis counts because he turned out to be gay) I’m just angry.  I’ve no wish to throw a pity party or be depressed.  Just angry.

I think I should stay clear of all social media until V-day blows over.  In the meantime, I shall try to regain balance.

• Maybe it’s Via’s unsuccessful marriage.  Probably I empathize with her quiet desperation.  To be trapped in a loveless marriage is just harrowing to say the least.  I mean, I’m trapped in a loveless dysfunctional family and that sucks.  So, yeah, I can feel her pain.
• One of my best buds is getting himself a gf after a long time of not having one.  He’s on top of the world and is practically gushing love from out of his nostrils.  And this is the girl who’s treated him like shit for the past two years and somehow that makes for romance. (Yeah, in this day and age, if you’re treated like shit, the anguish equates to romance).  I am happy for him and hope it works out but he’s got a Tom Cruise jumping on the couch up and down on Oprah vibe that makes it rather gross.  So go forth and multiply and good luck with your sex life.  For some reason, I really cannot imagine that Bud engaged in any sexual activity whatsoever.  Said girl will have to pull out her tricks out of her medical bag.  However, intellectually stimulating best Bud is, the body has to be used for that one.
• Ten year anniversaries on FB.  All those notices and status messages are making me pine away with regret.  Well, not really because I really didn’t come across anyone I wanted to marry when I was 26.  Heck, J was married then, haha, but I don’t remember fancying myself married to him.  Still and all, ten years is a long time.  It’s enough to build a really good life with lots of good memories.  I guess I’m just melancholic because those ten years weren’t meant for me to share with someone else.  I did share some of them with Moo who remains my official first love. But he’s dead now and I can’t go there because I’ll just end up crying.

So there’s my shortlist of things that are troubling me.  The big canopy that encompasses it all is the fact that almost everyone I ask is telling me that it’s not yet my time.  It’s going to take a couple of years more and by then, I’ll probably be 40.  And to get there, I still have to do things that I’d really prefer not to do but have to anyway. Maybe I’m just tired. But you know, sometimes this timing thing sucks.  You get it when you’re not excited to have it and it doesn’t matter if you have it already.  Where’s the fun in that?

If I would prepave without limitations, despite being such a late bloomer, I’d have the whole fairytale on order — lock, stock and barrel.  I’d be the overnight sensation with my fairytale romance, the deep love, kama sutra sex and the fantabulous lifestyle of travel and leisure.  It’ll be the kind of marriage where everybody will say it was worth the wait.  And they’ll say it out of merit too, and not just for want of anything to say because it took so damn long to happen.

And another thing that’s bothering me is what if my Prince Charming finally comes around?  Will I have the gentle grace to accept his love for me unflinchingly and without question?  When it comes to gentleness and tenderness, I will be the first to admit that I am not properly socialized.  I did not grow up with those words manifested and what I’ve known for the past decade or so has been harsh — love’s rough edges made blunt by friends.

But what am I talking about?  M isn’t anywhere near ready to commit anyway.  He has things to do and plans in life where I’m not included.  And me?  What is my plan in life?  Don’t think I have one unless you count settling down with someone I love and building an awesome fabulous life together.  I’m still the stupid romantic that keeps saying to herself, “if the heart is in the right place, the rest will follow”.  Well, true that we live out our own paradigms.  Haven’t found the right place yet so nothing follows.  How’s that for infallible logic?

So I don’t know.  I’m still floating.  36 and floating.  That’s a sad one for the books.

The first part of the afternoon, I spent with Via and we had our readings done.  I find it strange that we even became close friends because I would never have thought that we’d hit it off, but we did.

Anywho, I thought that she was living the “life”.  Married to a prominent family with kid.  Apparently, I was wrong.  I won’t go into details but I really feel for her.  I thought that this marriage would solve all her issues about her family from years back.  (She was treated shabbily by her own family) But it’s still the same scenario with a different cast of characters.  And since she lives a very public life, she has to handle this situation very delicately.

Still, she has a mission with her hubby.  Sometimes that’s the reason we cross paths with people in this lifetime.  So she has a choice — to go through with that mission or to pursue a totally different path, one that promises more pleasure but possibly one that would not fulfill her soul-purpose.

Same thing with me, I still can’t live the life I want to live because I still have a mission with my family, my career.  Seriously, it sucks.  Just like a promotion that seems far off in the distance but what can one do?  It’s these kinds of things that we agreed to do during this physical experience even before we manifested here on earth.

These are some of the things that, if one is conscious and aware, one can’t really do anything about if we are intent on fulfilling our soul-purpose.  You can say we have free will but we already exercised that even BEFORE materializing.  The way I see it, the “free will” card is only a delaying tactic.  It’s like, do you want to take a detour first before completing your mission or not?  But regardless, the mission still has to be completed.  Or it will still be there, if not in this lifetime, then, the next.  The only consolation is that we will probably not remember it.  But that’s also its bane.  Everything we’ve learned, we will have to re-learn and remember.  And this is a quiz where the answers are not readily available for those who take it.  It’s a test where you get to ask the questions yourself and also have to find the answer yourself, not really knowing if you got it wrong or right.  Then when you get a reprieve from all the quizzing, it starts all over again.  You forget to remember only to eventually forget.

That’s kind of sad…and tiring.  Can’t we just all be happy?

I wish that you’re well and that you’re on your way to come and get me.

Life here in the house is lonely even if I have company.   My father, though present, could very well be absent and is very much under the spell of the “evil stepmother”.   Even if my “evil stepsisters” no longer live in the house are are in other countries, their shadow hovers over me because evil stepmother always puts their welfare before mine.

I’ve been told that I may very well be stuck in this situation, that if I don’t find happiness here, you may not show up.  It’s a cruel formula for happiness just for the irony of it all.  But that’s the way it is so I am trying to make the best of it.

I don’t know if I can ever truly be happy and at peace with my situation here.  I remember that the last time I was truly happy and at peace was in when I was in the US.  That was when the ideal of being with my immediate family was truly more pleasant than its reality.  There, I had a place of my own and I was happy just taking walks with my dog in the park.

So really, I don’t know how you will come to find me or get me.  You may be too busy running the affairs of the state and I’m trying to find happiness cleaning chimneys.  I should have left a shoe with you, at least, but I didn’t.

So there.  You remain a happy thought for me for now.  But if you ever find yourself headed this way, stop by and say hello.  I’ll be waiting.

Ever yours,

Cinderella

In fact, it was a good thing that I had a party to go to that night so I tried to muster up some good spirits with the help of good food, camaraderie and red wine.  Still, when the vigil at the airport started, I felt dismal inside.

What kept me going was the knowledge that I had a plan to turn the tables.  My destiny adviser told me that if I could plant in them the hope that I would follow the life path they intended for me, that I could gain back my favored status and this burden that they’ve placed on my shoulders would be considerably lighter and it would spill onto other facets of my life.  So even if I really hate the idea of politics — despite the fact that I am much qualified for it — I have to open myself up to this idea.

I suppose it makes sense when I look at it from the perspective that this is a Universe of inclusion and not exclusion.  Maybe in some weird way, when you open up yourself to the idea of getting what you don’t want, that’s the only time what you want will come to you.  The same way a couple who has been trying to get pregnant all these years gives up, accepts their childless fate and finds themselves with child out of the blue.

Okay, I get that.  But the execution of this — let me call it “Plot to Redemption” — was met with resistance right from the start.  And it’s kind of hard to execute especially when my dad is making it so easy for me to hate him.  For one thing, when my mom was handing out the loot of their travels, it was clear that my dad felt that everything that I got was undeserved.  Then, he even forced me to take a picture of myself with SWMNBN’s gift to me (presumably to present evidence of submission to his prized cow).  Add to this his constant mentioning of her name as though she was the queen of heaven and earth.  It was supremely juvenile (but expected of him who has not matured and evolved in his role as father in this lifetime despite being the holder of a senior citizen card) but I kept my cool.

My mom wasn’t much better.  Then again, what can I expect from parents who do not know how to show gratitude.  If they can ignore and be arrogant at my aunt and uncle who’s paid for the schooling of my brother, who has constantly reached out to  them and has been hospitable and generous in aiding their children when they could not dispense with the responsibilities of being parents, does this come as a surprise at all?

Their behavior towards me and those who’ve shown them kindness (like my aunt and uncle) are incredibly appalling and disgusting.  Something deep in the very core of me is churning with revulsion at their hypocrisy.  My sense of fairness is struggling to make a stand and shout out the truth from the rooftops of the world and scenes of the misguided maneuverings of the couple who took in Cosette in Les Miserable come to mind.

But I have a plan that I need to execute and all revulsion must be folded into the tiniest crane origami and shoved in my pocket in the meantime.  I have to be hyperfocused now and just get started.  My one and only goal is to get the ball into their court.  As soon as I’ve declared my intentions that I am open to the life path they’ve set out for me, anything that happens after that is a free for all.  I want to tell them tomorrow so that I can begin the new year with a shift in energies.  I have to keep reminding myself to be pliant to whatever their reaction would be and to steer clear of ultimatums lest they show resistance.  Heck, maybe I should smudge first before I go talk to them for good measure.  Yeah, I will.  I can’t have the stench of I hate you seeping out from me when I go talk to them.

I just have to put the idea out there.  Of course, this is one of the things that will have to be filed under the “things I did for love” category.  If M is fixing things on his end so that things will  be smooth, I should do my part too.  Here’s hoping I find the perfect opportunity tomorrow.

Wish me luck.

Yesterday, I had a reading with a destiny adviser and it was short of dismal. In effect, she said that nothing good was in store for me in the coming years. I would have financial abundance but because I worked for it.  But as far as my love life was concerned, I wouldn’t have commitment.  And I’d have to wait around four years until his kids have graduated from college.  Even then, I’d still be his last priority and he wouldn’t be as affectionate or sweet as I want him to be.

Ummm, okay.  She said that there was someone else who could be another option for me but he won’t make an appearance until I totally let go of M.  Besides, she saw in her cards that I turned down this option already.

So I think I have my game plan now.  I will still keep my dreams, distill them into pure desire, and fuel them with prayer.  Perhaps, in God’s infinite mercy, he will take pity on me and bring me joy in this lifetime.  BUT in the meantime, I’ve decided not to burden myself with outcomes.  Maybe I’m not meant to be married or partnered up with anyone at all.  Maybe Martin really wants to be with me but doesn’t want to marry me.  There’s still love here, isn’t there?

Maybe the apathy and neglect of the family I was born into is my inescapable burden in this lifetime and no prince charming can save me from it.  Maybe my parents and siblings will continually look forward to my failure. Maybe being fodder for ill will and gossip by my so-called friends (not my SATC friends, we are angels for each other in this lifetime) is something I will just have to learn to live with.  Maybe I am doomed to roam the earth lonely and alone, to keep a smile on my face on the outside and keep secret my tears from the rest of the world while everyone else moves on and keeps posting happy pictures of their togetherness.

Okay, i’ll take that as a given.  Now, let’s see what I come up with.

Okay, since I’ve made the movie my title maybe I should say a few words about it before recounting thoughts I’ve been mulling over.  The movie was a particularly good horror movie.  Dingdong Dantes was hot as a bad guy.  Seriously.  My only beef was with the ending — too much coincidences — but I won’t say any more because it’s the second day of the MMFF and I refuse to put out any spoilers.

Now that that’s over and done with, onto my thoughts:

1.  My sister was recounting to me how my parents Skyped with her again this morning.  Well, my parents haven’t really touched base with me this Christmas and I think that’s the doing of the evil sis, KK.  Sister 1 was kind of surprised when I told her that I sent KK a Christmas gift.  That should have been the olive branch but then again, KK’s pride will be her undoing.  My hands are clean in this tiff we have.  Anyway, I’ve been told that that will be her karma.  So I’ll leave that to the Universe.  The ball was in her court and she didn’t pick it up.

2.  Been thinking about M.  I think I need to think about that situation more. He’s spending Christmas with the boys in NYC.  But for all this back and forth, I think that aside from his boys and his work, there might not be space enough for me.  I haven’t seen any effort at all from his end to further our relationship.  And the guy is so polite, his replies might be merely perfunctory.

Anyway, to keep this short, that’s what I have to balance now.  My family life sucks and then there’s M, a totally different and far-fetched reality.  If I could script my life, I wish that M and I would get together already and pledge undying love and fidelity to each other and build a family of our own.   We’d have our own place and would live a blessed and comfortable lifestyle of travel and leisure.

This would happen with the speed of light and my family here, who has always taken me and my happiness for granted, will realize my value when I’m gone.  Maybe it will be too late, maybe not.  Maybe I’ll still be magnanimous because I am blessed and still look out for them.  But one thing I’m sure of,  if I have a family of my own — even if it’s just me, M and his boys and Maximus — they’ll be my priority.

In this “script”, it will just hit M and he’ll make up for the neglect and slack during our courtship.  It will be a slow-cooked whirlwind romance, as I’d like to call it.  He’d propose.  I’d accept and there’ll be a wedding, a platinum wedding although very intimate.  Then I’d truly thank God and my lucky stars for bringing me someone who sincerely wanted to make me happy and looked out for me.  Then my family who has continually belittled me will just be shocked and incredulous at my good fortune in life and in love.

And instead of the traditional, “The End” to this fairy tale romance of mine, I shall sign it off with, “The Beginning”.  It’s time to start a more joyful chapter of my life.  Now, all I need is for my Prince Charming to come to his senses.

Remember:  Despite all evidence to the contrary, something wonderful is about to happen.

So the most of the morning was spent crying, basking in today’s infinite loneliness.  I would have wanted to spend it with my sister and her kids but I couldn’t stop the tears from falling so I just stayed home and simmered in the onset of a fever that I think was largely psychological.  Yeah, my physical well-being follows my emotional state.

Couple that with an FB friend who greeted Christmas morning with her “in a relationship” status and that just made me unravel.  M has been perfunctory in his Christmas greeting and that got me thinking that maybe I’m knocking on the wrong door.  But I didn’t say anything more to him because I’m ultra sensitive right now and will most likely take anything the wrong way.

I guess I’m just disappointed at another sad Christmas.  Last year was pretty much hostile and tragic.  I can’t help thinking I was born in the wrong family or that my dad is really ill equipped to hold his family together.  So, it is hereby resolved that next Christmas, I shall make plans for myself and not depend on others to make it happy.  It is hereby resolved, that no one really needs me to make them happy.  I just feel so alone.  And what really sucks is that when I get this way, all those I’ve tried to make happy aren’t really around to carry their share when I can’t do it anymore.

It is hereby resolved that I’m going to give this another year.  Life deserves one more shot.  I’ll give it one more year before I opt out of it.  So, Universe, how does that sound?  You called my bet before when I said, “bring it on” and yes, you did bring all the unfortunate things at my doorstep almost all in one blow.   I took the challenge because I said I would rather have it all in one concentrated shot rather than piecemeal.

Now, I revisit our old bet.  Bring it on, I say.  If there is anything joyful, worthwhile, fulfilling, happy about experiencing life in the physical on this Earth, bring it on.  I already know you can dish out the bad.  Can you dish out the good in equal measure or more?  Is there more to this existence than bitterness and disappointment?  The last time I made a deal with you, I think it was well-played.  You threw at me whatever you could — death, betrayal, lack of status, financial deprivation — the works — all brought on as fast as the speed of lightning.  You’ve knocked me down several times and I barely got up before the Great Referree counted to ten.  Now, can you bring me to the heights as much as you’ve brought me to the depths?

I call this bet, Universe.  You have one year from today.  Game on.

Why alone?  Because my parents and sisters are having a grand time in Canada, my brother is still being a jerk, M is spending the holidays with his boys and the maid forgot to defrost all the proteins for tonight’s Christmas feast.  And here I was willing to forego much needed sleep and cook early so that she could take off early and spend the holidays with her family.  Sorry, but your common sense got in the way.

It’s during times like these that I feel really needy.  That, I recognize.  Even if I was able to converse with M somewhat on the holiday schedules, I realize that I am nowhere near coming to an agreement with him on what this is and my internal deadline was this Christmas.

Okay, maybe I just need sleep.  Here’s hoping I wake up more positive.